


(i want) your midnights

by cosmicwritings



Series: tumblr prompts [5]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: M/M, first ilys!!!!, i love my boys!!!!!, it's not exactly character study but ya kno . a lot of commentary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-12
Updated: 2017-12-12
Packaged: 2019-02-14 02:08:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12997506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmicwritings/pseuds/cosmicwritings
Summary: i love you + slowlyalternatively, their first 'i love you'.





	(i want) your midnights

**Author's Note:**

> anon requested: i love you "slowly, the words dripping from your tongue like honey" + pynch, but my ugly ass took it and made it their first i love u LMAO i love my boys !!!! i wanted to make them softer but this made me wanna write a longer pynch fic so,,,, i'm willing if anyone is interested :-) i'm still taking pynch prompts & other prompts on my tumblr @blaisezabini so hmu!!! title is from new year's day by taylor swift bc i'm a Hoe

“I love you,” Adam says, and he’s trying for it so desperately not to be a big deal, but it is, and he knows it, and Ronan knows it, and he’s said it, agonisingly slow, because he doesn’t know how to say it naturally. The Adam who took his father’s beatings without hitting back is a different boy, except he’s not really, not in the way he flinches at raised voices and cruel fists. He’s not sure he’s truly felt love and affection in its true capacity before, with a raging father and painfully silent mother, and there’s still a part of him that is terrifyingly uncertain about this. But he cannot ignore the simultaneous quiet and frantic beating of his heart when he is with Ronan. Cannot pretend he does not feel at peace when he is touching his skin. **  
**

It means a lot. This is important. He doesn’t want this to alter anything, but love is a big deal for him, and it’s a big deal for Ronan, and this moment feels electric.

“I love you,” Ronan says — no wavering, no hesitation, just Ronan who does things with everything in him. This isn’t just a confession, but a rebirth. The words taste strange on his tongue, like his body knows saying this combination of words in this order is unfamiliar. Not because — not because he doesn’t love. This is a boy who dreamed epipens and hand lotion for friends he was worried about, pressed baby mice to his cheek to feel their heartbeat, let himself be swallowed by darkness so he could give Blue the only light they had. Ronan Lynch loves, and he doesn’t have to tell people, because words feel clumsy in his mouth whereas actions feel more like home.

_It’s only you. Why do you hate you?_

_I don’t._

It means a lot. This is important. Maybe he’ll never be the same boy he was before he found his father’s broken body, and maybe Gansey is finally getting used to that, maybe he is finally getting used to that, but he doesn’t need to be. Dragging himself out of the darkness means he’s allowed to be a little bruised, scarred, thick skin over thick skin. He is not the same person, but he does not have to be. He can be different.

When he says  _I love you_ , he is talking to Adam, but he is talking to himself too. He is letting himself love Adam. He is giving everything up now, after being ashamed for so long. He is not letting the guilt and shame fester in his stomach anymore, not letting it live under his skin like unwanted rot. He has spent so long tearing himself apart, limiting what he can and cannot have, not even permitting himself to think about his second secret.

He can be different. He does not have to wake up everyday wanting for it to be the last. He will not let himself, anymore.

And Adam says it first. This is important. Adam says it first, and they’re both giving up something, placing their raw heart in front of each other like it’s glass; it’s fragile, this is still breakable. These two tattered boys with tattered souls, only knowing love in abstract forms and dreams. Is this what it feels like to let someone have everything that you are, without being afraid they’re going to turn it into a weapon?

It is fitting that this profound moment is between the two of them sitting in this car. It could’ve happened in Adam’s apartment above St. Agnes where it could’ve been made literally holy, or Monmouth where it could’ve felt like home, or somewhere completely unremarkable where they could have this away from the prying eyes of a town Adam can’t wait to fucking get out of, but it’s here, in Ronan’s BMW with the windows rolled down. Ronan, making the driver’s seat behind the steering wheel look like his damn throne. Adam, feeling a pulse humming under his skin. Ronan, sober. Adam, sober. The only haziness they’re feeling is from happiness.

When they lean forwards to press their lips together, it’s like the crash of the ocean violently hitting the shore, before dispersing softly.


End file.
